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I really appreciate the comments on yesterday's post - BOY are you guys a bunch of smart and classy women!!!! I just loved reading all of your thoughts and experiences about blogging.

I did want to make a few things clear. I love blogging. I am also in a really good place with blogging and seldom feel the frustrations I did when I first started out. I have a pretty good following and get my share of comments - I am not complaining. I also have made some of the most FABULOUS friends!

I would say that the most frustrating thing I experience now with blogging is the guilt I feel about not being able to read and comment on all the blogs I would like to - there is just not enough time in the day. And, it's not just guilt but I also miss visiting sites that I truly would like to keep up with - I miss hearing about what is going on in everyones lives.

And ... I do get a bit frustrated with the whole competitive thing. I am competitive by nature and I have to constantly remind myself that it's not a game. And, if it is a game - I am just not likely smart enough to figure out all the tactics it would take to win. But ... I do try to use all the tactics I have figured out and apply those often to help me achieve more success. And, I definitely rely on my writing. It is what I ultimately hope attracts readers and keeps readers here On The Upside.

It feels like a game, sometimes, though - doesn't it? Especially with the whole comment thing. Not only are you completely aware of the number of comments someone else has on their posts - but you are also constantly aware of your own comments - how many you got yesterday - how many you hope to get tomorrow. It's CRAZINESS! I have honestly considered closing my comments for good - but, then realize that it would cut me off from so many new readers and an easy pathway to their blogs (this is how I find so many new blogs I love to read) and also cause me to possibly lose some of my old readers - I couldn't have that! I don't want to lose readers - I don't think any of us do. What's the point of having a public blog if you aren't interested in attracting readers? I think every one of us that has a publicly viewed blog is interested in drumming up new readers and traffic. I know I am. And, the more success you have at it - the more and more you want it. It's like a drug.

What I want from my blog is for it to be a place where I can write my stories and where I can offer those stories to people who are truly interested in reading them and truly interested in me and my life. I have to admit, I honestly find it very difficult to decipher the difference. It's just not possible to determine why people come to your blog and why some stay and why some leave. You can't even be sure if people are actually reading anything.

This leads me to one other thing that bothers me about blogging and bloggers. It's knowing that there are a certain percentage that care nothing about other bloggers and their blogs. These are those bloggers that are only concerned about building their traffic and popularity - and not at all interested in supporting other bloggers. I was distinctly made aware of this fact when I went to the BlogHer '08 Conference last year in San Francisco. It was very evident that most of the bloggers there (myself included) were primarily interested in finding out ways to improve their blog traffic and recognition - not so much interested in networking (while I thought I was) (and we were all there to meet each other - that was a BLAST!).

So ... this made me realize that that is likely true of lots of bloggers and then therefore, while it is a respiratory relationship - I visit you and you visit me - in a lot of cases it is probably not "real" or "honest", in that you can't know or trust that those (bloggers) that visit your site are there because you are truly a good writer or saying things that they find impressively interesting. The only bloggers that can pretty much guarantee that their traffic is legitimate "readers" is those A-list bloggers that have reached the status of A-list because they have proven that they are either great writers or offer content that is unique or irresistible. The rest of us are simply playing a game of Russian roulette - hoping that those that visit our sites will realize that we are a blog worth reading - regardless of what they get in return.

Would I like to be an A-list blogger? The answer is - YOU BETCHA! I would love to be considered the BEST - who doesn't want that? I don't know if that will ever happen and if it doesn't it will not be the end of the world or the end of my blogging - I love blogging and I love my blog. But, I know I am not alone when I admit that I would love to be one of those bloggers that knew for certain that it was my writing and true friendships that was what was sustaining and building my traffic.

I know so many bloggers that visit me are my friends and are sincere when they take the time to come by my site, read my stories and either leave a comment or not - I KNOW they are. I'm not saying that any of the people I know are these un-attached, self promoting type bloggers. It's the primary thing that keeps me blogging - day after day. Knowing that I have found one of the greatest circles of women in the blogosphere. We support each other and I hope you know that I sincerely care about you and your families and I care about your blogs! I wish I had more time to visit and support you the way I sincerely wish I could!

I don't know what got me off on this blogging tangent this weekend - I guess I just wanted to know how you all feel. I guess I just wanted affirmation that I wasn't alone over here - hoping for the best and feeling like I'm sometimes swimming against the current - striving for honest relationships and striving for success.

Unfortunately, blogging is just like everything in this world - achieving success doesn't always just happen for the good guys. Sometimes, the good guys are left in the dust while the rule-breakers are sitting pretty at the top of the heap. And, if you think there are no rules in blogging - you are fooling yourself. There are plenty of rules and it's one of the things I pride myself on - following them as close to the letter as possible. It might not pay off in the end - but, I will always feel proud that, if it gets even better than it is, I achieved success - the right way.

I know it might seem unlikely and it might even be hard to believe, but ... I wish you and your blog the same amount of success that I wish for mine. There is room at the top for all of us. Well ... those of us that aren't willing to walk on the others to get there! And - I don't want any whiners when we get up there either - I'm sick and tired of hearing all the whining. You want my help - ask for it. You want to succeed - get out there and do the work. You want good things to happen for you - then be good to others.

One day - if and when I get to the top - I hope you are still around because I will not look down on you, I promise. I will, however, offer you a hand and do whatever I can to pull you up there with me. And, if you get there before I do - I hope you will not look down on the rest of us either. There are enough A-list (and plenty of B-list) bloggers doing that already!

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I have quite a following on my site - right?

Why?

I have had many people comment or e-mail me - over the past 4 months - asking me this very question. Why? How did I do it? Why me?

On one hand, I am a little insulted by this question, as I have dedicate a huge amount of time and creativity into my writing and I would like to think that a percentage of visitors come to my site to read what I have written - hear what I have to say. I'd like to think that they think I am smart and funny and offer entertaining stories and useful information. I like to think that I have earned their respect and therefore they look forward to reading about my children and family and that they feel invested in not only my life, but in my success as a blogger - as well.

I know some of the reasons why I have the following that I have.

I have worked my butt off for 4 months! I have visited thousands of sites. I have left thousands of comments. I have written hundreds of stories and tried very, very hard to make those stories fun and interesting and creative and well written. I have analyzed ways to improve my traffic and even implemented some of those tools. I have tried my very best to fit into this world of Mommy Bloggers and I have done that. I have done everything possible to make friends and make those friends realize how much I need them and how much they mean to me. I have made many, many good friends.

One of the reasons I have so many visitors to my site is because I went out and brought them to me. Many of the friends I have - are ones that I went out and found and the reasons they keep coming back - I believe - is because I continue to support each and every one of those friends. I would be very surprised if any one of my bloggy friends were able to say that this is not true. And, yes, I have some visitors that came across my blog on their own and are now also my friends, but they too would have to say that I am equally as loyal to them by constantly staying in touch and visiting their sites as well.

Everyone of you that has a blog knows just how difficult it is to keep up with a blog. Keep up with posting and visiting other sites. It is nearly impossible to do it every single day. But ... I have tried to do it. I have committed, every single day, to visiting other sites and reading and leaving comments. I visit every single site that leaves me a comment (some days as many as 80 sites). In addition, I visit other sites along the way. In any given day, I can visit 100's of sites. Why do I do this? I do it - to show my loyalty and to encourage loyalty to me. And ... it has been very rewarding.

I think that I have a good site. I think I have a unique format and I have worked very hard to create a positive forum. It is who I am and it works for me because I have tried very hard to build my site on the foundation of strong beliefs. I do not often complain in the normal "ranting" fashion - while I do have many complaints (just like everyone) in my life - just because that is how I have chosen to write on my site. I do complain - but I try to put a funny spin on the story and I do that for several reasons. One, because it often makes for a better story and two, because if I give myself permission to rant - I am afraid I will run crazy ranting all of the time!

I am not perfect - nor do I have perfect kids or do we live a hysterically funny life at my house. I am generally a serious person and yet I have always considered myself to be creative and through my writing I am able to stretch my creative tendencies by writing stories that are funny or touching or stimulating or whatever! I work constantly on my writing techniques to develop new and interesting ways to tell a story. Having this blog has enabled me to see my life (through my writing of these stories) in a different way and see my children and the raising of them - through an entirely new view. I work daily to find a story to write and sometimes I come up with a good story and sometimes I don't. But, I have dedicated a lot of time and energy into finding and documenting these stories for my pleasure and for the pleasure of those that visit my site.

I sometimes feel as though the success I have experienced on my site - creates bad feelings (I won't go into why I say this - but there have been incidents that have occurred). I have never, not even once, used the success of my site to hurt any other blogger. I have tried to do just the opposite by offering many bloggers advise on how I have accomplished my success and been very open to helping anyone that asks. I have always been loyal to every single one of my bloggy friends and invested many hours into getting to know each one individually as best I can. I have always felt embarrassed to post awards I have been given, but feel obliged to recognize those that give me the awards and happy to introduce those individuals to my readers. Awards given from one blogger to another are indeed nice, but they are also a means for bloggers to create traffic to their own sites and I don't have a problem promoting other people's sites and am happy to do that.

I, like everyone, love to receive comments on my posts. I love the feedback and enjoy seeing the ideas or thoughts that something I have written can provoke. I love feeling like I touch people through my stories and my writing. I love telling a good story and love being able to share my children and our lives with all of you. I do not like feeling, though, that any success I have had is in anyway making someone else feel inadequate or unsuccessful. I know very well that there are many bloggers out there that are telling just as many great stories and writing them as well or better than me - that do not have the following I have. I visit many of those bloggers and read those stories. I support those bloggers. I have always searched out bloggers that were hurting for readers, because I know very well how hard it is to create a following and I have made tremendous efforts to find and help those people. I have done this intentionally, as I feel that everyone should be offered the same respect and opportunities as I have enjoyed and I do not hesitate to offer my site and its success as leverage for new or struggling bloggers.

I seldom write my posts "directly" to my audience. I write my stories as if they are "articles" and format my posts in the form of dialog or narritive - I do this on purpose. I am not the sort of blogger that offers a run-down of my daily events or intricate daily details about my children or myslef. I offer some of this information through my stories - but I do not "talk" right to my audience - like I am right now. I have done that on purpose - it is the format or technique I have chosen for my blog. I seldom ever respond to a comment in my comments. I have, on my site, tried to keep a distance between myself and my stories - I do this on purpose. I have attempted to create a site that stands on its own - the stories stand on their own - without my daily moods or personal traits influencing the stories. While I am obviously the one writing the stories and my picture is right there on the front page - I write my posts as a story that offers just a "glimpse" into our lives and who we are - who I am. I do this intentionally and believe that this is part of the reason that people may feel like they really don't know me.

My goal in blogging is to continue to write my stories. To continue to create even more of a following and I won't apologize for that. I want to continue to make friends and support as many people as I can possibly support. I want to only feel that my contribution is positive.

I know there are those people that - no matter what I say or what any of us do - will look for reasons to use my success against me. I can only say that I enjoy the success because I have worked very hard for it. I will continue to work hard for it - as long as I feel it is positive for me.

I began this post - because I was frustrated. I do not want to feel frustrated at anytime - having this blog - that has been such a gift in my life. I felt it was necessary to answer these questions and to also describe some of the feelings I have been experiencing.

I hope I have your continued support and want to impress that you certainly have mine.

I have been slow in showing my appreciation for some great awards I have received and I'm sorry it has taken me so long. I do appreciate all of these great awards and am very thankful to those that have passed them on to me.

Jennifer over at Faking It passed this Sassy Mama Blog Award on to me:

Thank you so much Jennifer for thinking of me for this great award - I like to think it fits me perfectly. If you haven't been over to Jennifer's site you need head on over there and visit with her and her three beautiful children - she is full of lots of great stories, ideas and photos.

I'd like to pass this great award on to Joanna over at Bugs In My Teeth - she is the Sassiest Mama I have come across lately and she is also the mother of twins - so we have gotten along splendidly.

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Also - Badness Jones passed this great award onto all of her readers:

And then, I was so pleased to receive this same award from Brittany over at Mommee And Her Boys.

Thanks so much to Badness Jones and Brittany - two of my favorite blog moms. If you haven't visited either of their sites - you need to go check them out - they are wonderful.

I'd like to pass this Blog Friend award onto Lizzy over at Life According To Lizzy as she has definitely become one my faborite blog friends and I love her site.

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Also ... I was so pleased to get this great award from my friend Jen over at Rants & Raves. Jen has a great site and is a wonderful writer and mother to a precious little boy named Dylan. If you've never visited her site, I encourage you to go visit her - she is one of my best blogging buddies and it is so sweet that she would give me this great award.

After Jen gave me this award, I was also given it by Pam over at Random Thoughts. Pam is also one of my best blogging buddies. She is a teacher and a wonderful mother and I just love her and her great site.

I am going to pass this award on to One Scrappy Gal. She is one of my newer blogging buddies and I have so enjoyed getting to know her and visiting her site.

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Then ... I got these two great awards from Sharon over at Sit With Me A While.

And Joan, over at Joan's Journeys also passed this great (The Daily Dose) award onto all of her readers - thanks Joan and Sharon.

This little award is called The Daily Dose. And here is all the important info. Because you know you want to know what it is about and where it came from. ;)".. here's to all the blogs that you've discovered that you can't possibly live without. They make you laugh, cry, think and feel connected every time you read a post. They give you a thrill as you see them loading into your browser and you get an equally satisfying thrill when you see that they have commented on your blog".From Xandra: creator, The Daily Dose Award.Now it is my turn to pass it on and then I must link back to Xandra the creator. If I pass this on to you and you have already gotten it--you don't have to pass it on again.Some of you that I blog with have already gotten it-- so I will try and catchthe ones who did not.Because you know---- we have to pass the on the luuuuuv . :)

I'd like to pass the 2007 Inspiring Blog Award on to Kim over at Life After. Kim and I have become very good blogging friends and I truly consider her blog to be inspiring and fun and uplifting. She always has a kind comment wherever she goes and she has been a great friend to me.

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And then ... Andrea over at Life Song passed this great, A Roar of Powerful Words award. Andrea is one of my good blogging friends and if you have never been over to visit her great site (Life Song - isn't that the greatest name?) - you need to go over and visit and see her and her adorable little girls.

I'd like to pass this A Roar For Powerful Words on to Kathryn at Seeking Sanity! Kathryn wrote two of the best posts I have ever read recently - one as a tribute to her dear mother and the other to her sweet father. I was simply in tears at the end of both of these posts - but not just because of the stories - but the brilliant story-telling as well. She did a great job and I truly enjoyed both of them. You have got to go read these two posts she wrote just recently.

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And then I received this great "Your Blog Is A Treat" award from MamaGeek over at What Works For Us.

I also received this same award from Karen over at The Rocking Pony.

I was thrilled to receive this particular award from both of these ladies, because I feel exactly the same way about their wonderful sites. They are both, two of the funniest bloggers I've met and always have something fun, interesting, humorous or inspiring on their sites.

I'd like to pass this "Your Blog Is A Treasure" award on to Girly Mom over at The Red Door. I love going to her site and reading her daily stories about her 4 beautiful girls. She is such an upbeat mom and and always an inspiration.

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And then ... I received this great membership award from Melanie over at Livin' With Me. She created this fun award and says I can pass it on to anyone I want - so I am passing this one on to anyone that visits my site.

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And lastly, I was given this great True Blue award by Damama over at Damama's At It Again. I have only just recently met Damama and look forward to getting to know her better and think you should do the same as well.

I am going to pass this award on to PB&J In A Bowl (funny name right - go over there to her site to find out the story behind this name). She is one of my new blogging friends, but has been a True Blue friend and I appreciate all of her visits and comments she leaves on my site. I have truly enjoyed getting to know her and you should go over and visit her - she writes great stories and and quite the story-teller.

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I feel bad for not passing these awards on to all of my blogging friends, as I truly treasure all of you and if I didn't give you an award this time around - I will most certainly be giving you one in the future. It's only because I have a hard time keeping up with who I have passed awards on to - not because I don't also appreciate you!!

I'm it! I've been tagged by Marie's Thoughts on Life, so here goes...

I chose Meme #2

Meme #2 -Questions & Answers

4 Jobs you've had:
1- Donut girl at Dunkin Donuts
2- Secretary at family counseling center
3- Collector for a large computer company
4- Account Manager for a large computer company

4 Movies I could watch over and over:
1- Interview with a Vampire
2- Delores Clayborne
3- The Hours
4- Silence of the Lambs

4 TV shows I watch:
1- Lost
2- Damages
3- American Idol
4- The Deadliest Catch

4 Places I've lived:
1- Fairfax, Virginia
2- Denver, Colorado
3- Chicago, Illinois
4- Stuttgart, Germany

4 Favorite foods:
1- Any kind of potato (FF, baked, scalloped, mashed, grilled, baked ...)
2- Any kind of beef (steak, ribs, roast ...)
3- Just about any kind of sandwich
4- Just about any kind of soup

4 Favorite colors:
1- Sage Green
2- Black
3- Red
4- Blue

4 Places I'd love to be right now:
1- Skiing in Colorado
2- In a chalet in Switzerland
3- On a cruise ship (and it doesn't even have to leave port - just put me in that little dark room where there is room service, people that make my bed, no one tells me what to do and food galore!)
4- Anywhere tropical.

4 Names I love but could/would not use for my children:
1- Mallory (always liked this name)
2- Cassidy (was the intended name for my last daughter; I don't know what happened)
3- Cole (my husband named our son)
4- Christian (my husband named our son)

I'm going to leave this tag open for now - if you want to run with it - it's yours. Thanks to Marie's Thoughts on Life for tagging me.

We are a LOUD family!

Not only are we LOUD because there are so many kids in our house that talk A LOT - play LOUD music and games and TVs - but ... we are just those sort of LOUD people - you know!

My husband is the quietest of the bunch.

Then Little Billy.

Then Chloe.

But ...

Me and Courtney and Alexis got the LOUD personalities and LOUD voices - the LOUD gene. LOUD!

Courtney is the LOUDEST of the whole On The Upside family.

She is!

She is theatrical!

She is flamboyant!

She is dramatic!

And ...

She talks LOUDLY!

It's her trademark.

Her signature trait.

She is LOUD!

One day recently, she was telling me, "Sometimes ... my mind ... YELLS at me," she was so serious.

I said, "What do you mean? You hear ... voices?" I was secretly a bit worried about this odd statement.

She said, "NO - it's my thoughts. They YELL at me, like when I'm trying to go to sleep - and I have to tell them - STOP - STOP YELLING AT ME!" she explained - LOUDLY.

I say, "Does that work?"

She says, "NO ... not until I do what they say."

"Are they screaming at you to do bad things?" I ask.

"No," she says, "Just normal stuff - like if I'm thinking about things I need to do - like my homework - my mind is YELLING for me to do it - you know?"

I said, "Yes, Hon," just so the poor thing wouldn't think there was something seriously wrong.

On the upside ... I wanted to say ... "That's what they call - karma - Sweetie! Now you know ... how we feel!"

"Mom - how long do you plan to live?" Little Billy is sitting behind me in his seat in the van.

"Oh, I hope I live to at least 80," I answer quickly.

"That's all?" he is surprised. "I have 89 years still. I'm going to live to 100 years old."

"Well, I hope you do, Sweetie," I look at my darling son in the rear view mirror. "But ... make sure you never blink," I say, and giggle.

"Why?" he is confused.

"Because it passes by in a flash. It seems like a long time, but it will be over before you know it and you don't want to miss a thing. Don't blink."

There is this Bar-B-Q place near my house that is known for its delicious barbecued beef brisket and ribs. I love the brisket and smoked turkey the best. But, my favorite thing about this place is its yummy creamed corn.

My sister sometimes teases me about my love of food. She thinks I obsess over food and I think she is probably right. It's not that I eat all the time or gorge myself at family gatherings - it's just obvious to her that I take tremendous delight in delicious foods. It's true - when I find a food that I just love, I think about that food a lot. I crave it and make time in my life to search it out and enjoy it - over and over again.

Imagine all the foods in the world that we will never try in our lifetime. It is something not many people think of or even care about, I am sure. But ... it is one of those things that, if we had the opportunity, might enrich our lives in ways we might never imagine.

This is true of all of life's experiences. Unless we take the time to truly see the opportunities that cross our paths and stop and taste the deliciousness of the moment - we might never experience the details of life. Meet the people that can change our destiny. Hear the words that might alter our perceptions.

When I was a little girl, I wanted to be a Mack truck driver when I grew up. I wanted a beautiful, red Mack truck. Somewhere along the path of my life, I changed my mind about joining the trucking union and pursuing a life as a truck driver. I can't tell you the exact moment or the words, but ... something happened that altered my decision. Life has a way of doing that to us - placing people in our paths or thoughts in our minds that form our beliefs and desires and interpretations. It might be something truly magnificent that will alter our course, or it might be something subtle - like creamed corn.

I went to drop Alexis off at choir practice a few weeks ago - it was beginning to rain. After leaving her at the church and driving away, I noticed a nicely dressed woman standing at the bus stop near the church. In the sky above our heads, the clouds were dark and ominous. I could see the rain coming.

I drove past the woman thinking about how wet she was going to get - standing there on the sidewalk in her nice clothes and shoes. I became worried for her. Sad for her.

I turned the corner at the stop light and then made the quick decision to turn again back into the church parking lot. I drove near the woman standing at the bus stop, rolled my passenger side window down and gestured for her to come over. When she approached the car, I reached over and handed her an umbrella I had stashed in the pocket of my door. "Here - take this umbrella," I insisted, "You are going to get soaked."

The woman smiled and thanked me. She went on, maybe too long, about how generous I was to take the time to stop and help her. I drove off and as I turned onto the street and headed towards my house, the sky opened up and the rain poured down.

I don't know if this one event affected this woman's life in any significant way - maybe it did - maybe it did not. What I do know is how this event affected mine. I was the person that crossed this woman's path on this one day, and she mine and ... when I stopped my life for just one moment, to see her ... I was forced to make a decision. The decision I made was - to help her and ... I will always remember that red umbrella and the smile it put on a stranger's face.

I have lots of umbrellas.

That creamed corn that I love is not significant in the scheme of things, but ... it makes me happy when I eat it. It's sweet and smooth. It's especially delicious and I am affected somehow, every time I enjoy it.

I hope I live to be 80 years old. I hope I never have to be a Mack truck driver to make a living. I hope I am able to enjoy lots of new foods in the course of the rest of my life and ... I hope I remember to stop my life every now and then to acknowledge the people that cross my path. The events that unravel. The words spoken with meaning and especially those uttered quietly.

I need to remember that life is full of opportunity and gifts and I need to remind myself - like I suggested to my little son - to keep my eyes and mind wide open. Keep my vision clear and my awareness sharp and ... not to blink.

Please continue to pray for my sweet little great-nephew.

He is just over a week old and holding his own.

I do not feel comfortable giving detailed updates, as I do not speak directly to the baby's mother and I don't want to make any assumptions that are not accurate. I just know that he is very tiny and so vulnerable and in need of prayers.

This is a very difficult time for the baby's mother and my sweet nephew - please keep them in your thoughts and prayers, as well as my sister, my mother and all of this baby's family.

My sister visits the baby daily and keeps me up to date on his condition, as I am not permitted to see him until he is much stronger.

We know God continues to watch over our baby and it will work out according to God's plan. We appreciate everyone that has been praying and worrying and inquiring about his condition.

For now ... we are hoping with all of our hearts, praying as hard as we can and waiting patiently for our baby to grow stronger and stronger each day.

Isn't he the sweetest little thing? I love how he touches his face and I love his little hands. I love this baby.

Thank you so much for your prayers!

*This is a message from my sister, Cheryl: As a first time grandmother of this precious precious gift of God, from the bottom of my heart, thank you for your prayers and thoughts and comments through this blog. He's a lucky little guy to have so many people praying for him. He's absolutely precious. We have a very long road ahead of us. I know this- My God is Mighty and He has a plan and a purpose. Please continue to pray for my precious new grandbaby, but also please hold up Danielle and Cody in your prayers. Thank you so much.

I want to thank everyone for all the prayers for our sweet little baby. It is a difficult time for our family and we are grateful for all the thoughts and prayers. We are just taking it one day at a time.

The baby seems to be doing okay for now. He is a fighter, but he has a long road ahead, as does his parents (my nephew and his girlfriend) and all of our families. We will do all we can do and surround this child with our love and support and pray that God stays close and keeps a merciful hand on our little boy.

Please continue to keep our baby and his parents in your thoughts and prayers. Please pray for the doctors and nurses taking care of him. I truly believe in the power of prayer, as I know many of you do! It is in God's hands.

Thank you so much for your support and kindness to me and my family. Thank you for showing so much love and concern for this precious little boy!

(*Note - this precious picture is of our baby - it is his sweet little hand*)

Before I had kids ...

My mind worked perfectly normal.

It did.

I didn't have to remember all that much.

I didn't care about all that much.

I only had to buy candy for just me (TWIZZLERS and DOVE CHOCOLATES).

I went about life as if I had all the time in the world.

I made decisions that accommodated the important issues in my life and those decisions were usually correct.

Somewhere ...

During the span of time since before I had kids ...

And ...

After ...

I had kids ...

I lost my freakin' mind!

My brain stopped functioning normally.

Decisions that would seem illogical to the pre-kid-Kellan ... somehow now often get lost in the rational part of my brain and the irrational part takes over, making those irrational decisions seem ... logical.

Like ...

Recently ...

"Hon. Hon. We need to do some work on that cute little gazebo that sits in our backyard. It needs some repairs and we need to get that done," I said to my cowboy husband not too long ago.

"Uh ... okay," was his (usual ) appropriate response.

So ...

We went about doing repairs.

It took several weeks and then ...

It was done.

All nicely painted and caulked and repaired.

Just like new.

So that I could now maybe make it into a cute little tea room. Because - you know - I often have my old lady friends over for tea.

Or ...

I could maybe use it for a cute little pool house. I could stack all the towels in there neatly on cute little Pottery Barn shelves. Hang some curtains. Purchase some fun multi-colored rugs. Maybe a towel rack. Maybe ...

Or ...

I could use it as a potting shed ... put all my pots and shovels and dirt in there. Have a nice little room for me to bond with my plants. I could put a little portable radio in the corner, turn on my music and escape into my little potting shed for hours and hours. No one would ever find me.

Or ...

We could put a hot-tub in there and maybe get in some late night hot-tubbing with The Cowboy.

Or ...

Maybe we could ...

Give it to the boy child ...

For ...

HIS BAND!

See ...

This is where my mind went wonky and somehow between ...

Perfectly logical ...

Perfectly beautiful ...

Perfectly reasonable ...

Perfectly normal ...

Perfectly thought-out ...

Thoughts ...

I lost my freakin' mind!

On the upside ... I know ... Giving the boy child a drum set was a pretty good clue that I had already lost too many brain cells to even consider making this gazebo decision without outside intervention *hear off in the distance other insane mommy inmates banging their heads against the walls and crying out in the night*.

-

I'm home.

My plane came in late last night and my husband and Courtney picked me up at 11:15 p.m. When we got home the kids were ALL awake and so I passed out gifts and we sat in the kitchen and talked to nearly 2:oo in the morning.

I think they missed me!

I have SO much to tell about the BlogHer conference and am planning on gathering my thoughts and putting together a post to wrap up my trip. I just have to say right now that I REALLY wish that all of the bloggers that I have become acquainted with over this past year - had been there for me to meet in person. I was fortunate to meet MANY of the bloggers that I have come to know and that was VERY COOL, but ... I could list 300 more of your all that weren't there that I REALLY WISH HAD BEEN!! That was, for me, the most exciting part of the whole conference - meeting people and getting to know new people.

I am EXHAUSTED and plan on spending the day catching up with my kids, my house, my husband and unpacking and such. It was a very long 4 days but I just LOVED every minute of it and am SO GLAD I WENT!!! I will post some more pictures and details of the trip soon.

I have to say - I woke this morning very tired - mentally and physically! I also woke up very happy. Content.

You have got to love a country - a WORLD - where you can be in San Francisco in a beautiful hotel in Union Square, in the morning - drinking coffee with friends ---- then down at Pier 39 looking across the bay at the Golden Gate Bridge, while sitting at a darling little restaurant eating your clam chowder and shrimp sandwich (YUM - WOW!) at noon ---- and then back in your very own kitchen sitting at the table surrounded by the children that you love the most in all the world ---- all ... in the same day.

I not only feel very grateful for this experience - I feel gratitude for my life - for the marvelous country we live in - for my sweet family. I also LOVED California (my first time there) and I LOVED San Francisco. I can't wait to go back!

I hope you all have been well while I have been out of pocket and am anxious to get back to visiting and ... BLOGGING!

I am so pleased to have received the following awards over the past several weeks. I have been slow in showing my appreciation and am finally getting around to saying thanks to those that passed these great awards on to me.

I am not passing any of these awards on to anyone in this post, but will pass these awards on to others in a future post - I just wanted to at least acknowledge receiving these awards - for now.

Melissa, over at Hope For The Hopeless was so nice to pass on this very nice Tiara-wearing Blogger award- I just love it. Thanks Melissa.

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I was also so pleased to recieve this great "You Make My Day" award from Baby~Amore over at My LittleDrummer Boys. Thank you so much Baby~Amore.

I was also excited when my friend Pam over at Random Thoughts also gave me this nice award - thanks so much Pam - you make my day too!

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And then ... Amy, over at Memories and Musings of a Mommy awarded me this great "Fantastic Fridge Award". You need to go over to Amy's site to find out what this great award is all about - it's very cool! Thanks Amy!

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And then ... The very sweet Natalie over at Red Sox Mommy (Living In a State of Confusion) gave me this great "Friendly Site Award". Thanks so much Natalie.

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And then, Tommie at Tuesday Updates, gave this nice award to all of her readers. Thanks Tommie.

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And then, Vasquez 3 was so nice to pass this fun award on to me. Thanks so much Vasquez 3 !

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And then ..... I was so happy to receive this "Excellent" award from Laura over at Lunatic Fringe - thanks so much Laura.

I was also happy to receive this "Excellent" award from my good friend Kat over at Justabeachkat - thanks Kat!

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And then, JO N over at Shower Your Children With Love The Right Way, was so nice to pass this "Wide Owl Award" on to me. Thanks so much JO N!

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And then ... Irene over at Our Little Piece of the World, was so nice to pass this "A Roar For Powerful Words" award on to me. Thanks Irene.

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And then, my good friend Lizzy over at Life According To Lizzy passed this "You'll Always Have A Room In My Heart" award on to all of her readers. Thanks so much Lizzy!

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And then my friend Melanie over at Livin With Me was so nice to pass this "Loveable Blog" award on to me! I love this nice award - thanks so much Melanie!

I was also so lucky to receive this same award from my Aussie friend Kim over as Frog Ponds Rock - thanks Kim!

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And then, my good friend Summer, over at Summer's Nook, passed this nice award on to me - thanks Summer - I love this award.

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And then - Justabeachcat passed this nice award on to all of her readers - I love this award. Thanks so much.

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My good friend Melissa, over at Hope For The Hopeless, was so nice to pass on this True Blue Award to me. Thanks so much Melissa - I am most grateful!

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My new friend Steph over at My Daily Life, created this wonderful award and I am so honored to be one the first people she has passed it on to.

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My good friend Angela over at Angela's Chocolate & Potatoes passed this very nice award on to me. Thanks so much Angela.

I AM VERY THANKFUL FOR EACH AND EVERY ONE OF THESE GREAT AWARDS - THANKS SO MUCH!!!

I am so thankful for so many nice thoughts and prayers from so many wonderful friends - thank you very much!!

I am still in the hospital - tomorrow it will be a week I have been here. Today is the first day that I have felt well. I have double phenomena and was septic (I don't know how to spell that). My blood pressure was critically low and is now finally under control. I still have various problems, but am on the road to recovery and just taking it one day at a time.

This illness came on so suddenly and has been far more dehabilitating and painful than anything I have ever experienced. I am thankful for my wonderful family and friends for taking such good care of me and my family. And so lucky to have Billy to pick up the slack with the children and to also take care of me as well.

I am doing well - I miss blogging and I miss you all. I will not be back to visiting sites for a while, but wanted to touch base to say thank for your kind comments and let you know that I can't wait to get back to posting and visiting all of you soon.

I hope everyone has been well in my absense and that you all had a good Easter. I will see you soon.

My good friend Sally has had a terrible tragedy in her family. Her precious sixteen year old grandson, Ben, was suddenly killed on Tuesday, in a bike accident.

Please go over and offer Sally your support and prayers, as I know it would mean a lot to her to know that we are all thinking about her during this very difficult time - those of us that know her, and even those new friends that can offer kind words.

I'm so sorry, Sally - our thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

Just click on Sally's name to get to her site. Thanks to everyone.

Oh Good Lord!

I am sometimes preoccupied!

Let's just say ... I don't always hear everything that my children say.

Sometimes I am busy.

Sometimes I am tired.

Sometimes - Yes - I have even been know to ignore their voices, if those voices are gibbering - jabber, whilst I am in the middle of watching shows like ... LOST!

I have.

Well ... I woke up the other morning - rolled over in my bed and it hit me.

I sort of ... (*tilts head sideways and then backwards and then forward again, hoping the memory will rattle its way clearly to the front of her brain*) ... sort of ... recalled - as I am coming out of my slumber ---- agreeing ---- the previous evening ---- around 8:30 p.m. ---- during my preoccupation and lustful infatuation with Sawyer -- I mean ... during LOST ... with my 10 year old son ... that it would be fine --- THAT HE COULD START A BAND, USE OUR GAZEBO AS HOME BASE, A BAND TO BE CALLED DOUBLE K-B (Kool Kid Band) OR SOMETHING, INVOLVING 4 OR 6 OR 8 BOYS (not clear), HE'S BEEN WORKING ON THEIR FIRST SONG -- ALL HE NEEDS FROM ME IS AN ELECTRIC GUITAR AND ONE AMP-LI-FI-ER!

On the upside ... This could have been a dream. I surly would not have agreed to such a thing! Surly I have been a mother long enough to know that you do not answer ANY QUESTION while under the influence of shows such as LOST! Surly I am stronger and smarter and capable of resisting the seductive lures of a sexy man on TV long enough to pull my melting mind to the here-and-now in order to simply say, "Maybe," or "We'll see," or "Let's talk about it later." Surly I didn't commit to anything under duress ... (*puts face into pillow and SCREAMS - thoughts going through her foggy mind of small 10 year old, spiked haired, tatoo wearing boys - ROCKING OUT to Van Halen ... in her backyard gazebo*).

These are my twins when they were five years old. They are telling a secret (who knows what). I love these pictures. I was lucky to catch this moment.

They are much the same now - my precious girls. They are very close and treasure their twinship. I have tried very hard to impress upon them how special this unique relationship is and one of the things I am most proud of is that I did it in such a way (apparently) that they believe it. I can't say that for everything I have tried to teach them - but if they got this one thing - that's something.

Twins are a strange phenomenon. People find them fascinating. I believe they are God's way of saying, "You want to see a miracle - look at this." My twins are a miracle. All twins are miracles.

I love that my twins love each other. I don't think I taught them this and that is why it is so special. You can't make someone love another person. They just do - truly.

It is a bond - a kinship - a relationship - a love ... that few people will ever know. Such ... that only twins know. Wouldn't it be wonderful to have that? To have someone that is truly yours. Someone God meant you always to be with, to be near? Someone that will always put you first? Someone that knows your thoughts and desires? Someone that believes in you and laughs at everything you say? Someone that loves you completely and unconditionally?

That is the bond my girls have. From birth until the day they die - they will always have each other - in a way that only they can appreciate. I have often told them, "This is something that is unique to only a few. It is a gift. Take this gift and cherish it. Never take this gift for granted."

They are 15 years old now. They've gotten to where they call each other "Twin". People get a kick out of this (their teachers), as they think that some twins would rather distract from or dismiss this obvious connection. But ... not my twins. They enjoy it. They are proud of each other.

I like to think that the secret they are telling each other in these photos is, "You are my best friend .... I am lucky to have you and .... I will love you forever."

*Throws head back and laughs*

Okay ... I'm already a bit hard to live with.

But ...

It's likely going to get worse.

Why?

Because ...

I am writing again!

I know - I've been writing here On The Upside and over there On The Flipside and even more on mySA ... but, it's not the writing I speak of?

I do love all of this writing.

It is fun!

It does take a lot of thought and words and sentences and paragraphs and grammar and punctuation marks!

I have invested so much time and effort into blogging - I love to write and it has given me a place to stretch my creativity and explore lots of different ways to write about motherhood - about my kids - about my family.

But ...

It is not the sort of writing I did before I started blogging. It is non-fiction and it is non-fiction story-telling. I have loved it and would never give it up, but ...

I am writing again!

Fiction.

Another novel.

Yes - I have written several novels. None of which are good enough to publish, but I have been inspired and so ...

I am writing again!

If I had invested all the time and energy and words I have invested in writing and publishing all of my blog posts - I suppose I could have written at least 2 novels by now. Not that I would trade that time and energy spent blogging - in creating and taking care of my blogs - I wouldn't. But ... I think I have it in me - a novel. A really good novel. So ...

I am writing again!

I know ... this is awfully presumptuous of me - me thinking I could ever possibly write a novel. Well ... I've written several (3 to be exact) novels - so I know I can do it. Now ... all I have to do is write one worth publishing. That's my goal. Right here, in the middle of my life, when I have more on my plate than any human being could possibly manage realistically and successfully ...

I am writing AGAIN!

So, you might ask, where did all this sudden burst of energy come from? Why now? What has triggered this sudden urge to write again? Well ...

I read a blog post on one of my favorite blogs recently that inspired me in such a way that after I read it I went straight to my desk, sat down, started organizing my thoughts over several days and, well ... I am into Chapter 2 and ...

I am WRITING AGAIN!

I have not written anything (aside from blog posts) in over a year. I haven't had the time, really, nor the desire. I guess it is because blogging has given me so much satisfaction and the writing has been so fun and productive that I haven't had time to think about fiction or consider taking the time to write anything.

My family will continue to come first ...

I will do my best to keep up with all of my responsibilities ...

I will continue to write and keep up with my blogs (and ENJOY it) ...

I am completely certain that I am going to be hard to live with ... because ...

I AM WRITING AGAIN!!!

From the blog post that so inspired me, "There will be a last time. Nothing lasts. Each and every time is propped against the last time. The present is made of all gone things."

Black Hockey Jesus (the writer of the wonderful post: Last) inspired me with not only his writing, but his words. He writes brilliantly (go on - go over to his blog, The Wind In Your Vagina, and read some of his great stories) and so often, when I read a great post that someone has written (and I've read hundreds that are truly great!) - like this one he wrote - I am inspired. And this post - this writer - just happened to trigger that thing in me that said - You need to write - get on with it - before it is too late.

Wish me luck?

Wish my family luck!

I am going to be hard to live with ...

-

I'm a country music nut. I've always been drawn to the ballads ... the stories.

When I write - I mean ... when I really want to write ... I turn on the country music, turn it up loud and let the words of the songs lure me to a place that ... inspires me.

The one song I play over and over (when I'm listening to CD's) is Brooks & Dunn's - "Believe". I guess I'd have to say that it is my favorite song of all time. As hard as that is to do - pick one song - I'd have to say that is mine. I turn it on, crank it up really loud and am immediately drawn into the words and melody - swept away.

I love that. I love that something as simple as a song ... as lyrics ... as a melody ... can swoop in and interrupt my life - slow my constant motion - tear away my shields and clattered thoughts ... and take me away. Every single time. No matter where I am or what I am doing ... that song stops me. It's as if it speaks to me. As if it says ... slow down ... feel the moment ... listen to me.

Aside from the fact that I love Brooks & Dunn and believe that they are really the only ones that could do "Believe" justice ... the reason the song touches me ... is because it is about God. About believing ... believing that there is something beyond this world. Something beyond what can be seen. Something powerful.

Is there a song that does that to you? A song that touches you like no other song? Do you have a song that ... moves you?

If you would like to listen to "Believe" - just go to my sidebar and click on the first picture. Listen to it - maybe it will touch you too.

This will be my last post about the BlogHer conference.

Honestly, I don't think anyone cares about it for days and days and days - so ... I will try to recap as much as I can - quickly - and be done with it for this year.

I went into this conference with several goals.

Some goals I met - Like ... meeting many of the bloggers that I have known for a while and wanted so badly to meet and also reaching out and meeting new ones as well. Like ... stepping way out of my comfort zone to take this trip alone - travel from Texas to California alone on a plane, take shuttles and taxi's stay in a hotel by myself, introduction after introduction to one stranger after another. Like ... networking as much as possible. Like ... attending as many sessions as possible and learning as much as I could about blogging. Like ... ENJOYING MYSELF!

Some goals I didn't meet. Like ... meeting EVERYONE! Like trying to feel comfortable in most any situation. Like ... putting on my best face - all the time. Like ... doing and seeing everything I really wanted to see and do. Like ... not taking enough pictures!

I did okay.

I'd have to say that I am 97% satisfied with the whole trip. And that 3% I was not satisfied with was ...

How lonely I felt when I would return to my room after a long day. My great big beautiful room with the king sized "Heavenly Bed and Bath" - the one with the great view of the city from the 7th floor - the one that I had all to myself with a desk and large TV and my own bathroom and bar and closet. I so wanted to be ecstatic when I would walk through that door each evening to retire. Instead - I immediately noticed how quiet it was - how alone I felt. I wanted to enjoy every moment of solitude on this trip and smother myself selfishly in the lavishness of it all and I was surprised to hear the ... silence ... and not be happy about it. I missed my children and their NOISE! And ... a certain cowboy to share that big bed with!

And ... I'll just be honest ---

You CAN NOT bring 1000 women (a few men) together and expect it to always be delicious coffee, scrumptious chocolate and rose scented bubble baths! NOPE! There were certainly moments - that is for sure.

I won't go into those moments that happened to me - specifically - but ... I will say:

• Some people I thought I was going to love - I DIDN'T!


• Some people I was sure I was not going to like - I LOVED!


• Some people I thought were a certain way - WERE NOT!


• Some people I assumed were another way - WERE PLEASANTLY BETTER.


• Some people I expected to accept and include me - DID NOT!


• Some people I thought I would definitely want to embrace - I CHANGED MY MIND ABOUT!


• Some people are SOCIAL IDIOTS and need to take some CLASSES!


• Some people are sincere and generous and kind and fabulous!


• Some people need to learn how to hide when they are rolling their eyes at you!


• Some people need to go to etiquette classes.


• Some people need to try to be more positive and stop the damn whining and complaining all the time!


• Some people need to stay away from the BLOGHER CONFERENCE if they are not there to meet and talk to other blogging people - UGH!

Okay ... that's enough being mean. I AM SURE that some of these things others could say about me as well.

One of the things I loved about meeting so many of the women I have only known through their blogs is that I now have a face and personality and voice to associate with the words I read on their blogs - VERY COOL!

I also enjoyed seeing how people were so different than I expected - taller or shorter or prettier or uglier or smarter or funnier - very interesting!

It was also fun learning their real names or their children's real names. And learning where they live and more intimate details about their lives than they are willing to share on their blogs.

As far as the conference goes ---

BlogHer did an EXCELLENT job - in my opinion - at organizing (WOW!) this massive conference! The food was excellent - the accommodations were wonderful - the parties were fabulous - the sessions were informative and useful! And ... the sponsors were impressive! I think the conference was everything I hoped it would be and so much more and WELL worth the money and time!

And then ...

There was San Francisco!

I did not get to see much of the city, but our hotel (The Westin St. Francis) is right downtown in Union Square and every time you stepped out on the street, you were right in the midst of everything. I thoroughly enjoyed seeing and feeling how ALIVE the city is.

On Sunday morning, I took a taxi (by myself) down to Pier 39/Fisherman's Wharf. I saw Alcatraz off across the bay, The Golden Gate Bridge through the fog, the sea lions lounging in the water, the outdoor market, the wonderful shops (did a little shopping) and after I had seen as much as I had time to see, I stopped by the small little restaurant that my sister recommended and had a bowl of clam chowder and a shrimp sandwich - THAT WAS DELICIOUS! I'm so glad I made time on this last day to go down to Pier 39 - it was a treat!

Here are some of the pictures I took:

The founders of BlogHer speaking to the 1000 attendees.

Sesame Street was at the conference and had their own room. You could go there and meet the Muppet's, Grover and Abby Cadabby, and also meet the fabulous puppeteers behind those fantastic characters. It was very cool!

They also allowed time for people to have personal tapes (free) made with the Muppet and I had one made with Abby for Alexis, as Alexis' Birthday is coming up at the end of the month. Abby talked directly to Alexis and sang Happy Birthday! It was very COOL! I also got Abby's autograph for Alexis.

A San Francisco trolley car outside our hotel. Is there anything cooler or more fun than this these trolley cars???

China Town - from my taxi. I learned that China Town in San Francisco has the largest population of Chinese anywhere in the world - outside of China. And, that there is also a China Town in Oakland, CA.

Pier 39 - duh!

The beautiful shops on Pier 39.

The fabulous market on Pier 39.

Of course I had to stop in the Ghirardelli Chocolate shop - WOW!

I made it to Fishermans Wharf!

The view of Alcatraz from Fisherman's Wharf. It is not as close as it looks in this picture - I zoomed in so as to see it better.

The foggy view of the Golden Gate Bridge from Fisherman's Wharf.

Here are some of the ladies from the conference - lounging in the sun. Sorry - not really!

This was one of the most delicious lunches I have ever had! My sister begged me to try and go to this little restaurant down on Fisherman's Wharf and so I did. It was so DELICIOUS. My sister said, "Go there! And ... if you can figure out how to bring that chowder and sandwich back with you on the plane - DO IT!" Honestly - I'd almost fly back to San Francisco just to go back, sit at this little restaurant and eat this lunch again - looking out across the bay! It was the PERFECT ending to a fabulous trip!!

Thanks for tolerating my ramblings about the conference and being so thoughtful and encouraging and kind with your sweet comments. It was quite a great experience and I hope we ALL can go next year. I have not heard where it will be, but I plan on attending and I hope you will too!

"What will 2nd grade be like," Alexis asks, while lying in the bed next to me.

I look over at my sweet girl. "It will be just like 1st grade - only a little bit harder and a little more work," I offer.

"But ... what kind of math will there be?"

"Oh ... addition and subtraction and maybe some multiplication," I say.

"Which is the one with the X?" she rolls onto her tummy and looks up with inquisitive eyes.

"That's multiplication," I explain.

We are lying in bed - me trying to go to sleep. But - not her. Her mind is racing with many thoughts and many questions.

"When I was in Pre-K," she begins to ramble. "I rode a white horse."

"I don't remember that," I say.

"Yes," she shakes her head. "It was a white horse. There was a black one that I liked better - but, I didn't get that one - I rode the white horse. And, I touched a chicken," and then she said the word chicken about 20 times and giggled like crazy.

"When they brought the petting zoo to your school?" I ask.

"Yes - don't you remember?"

"I really don't," I confess.

"Yes - I touched a chicken - and a pig," she giggles again.

"Wow," I say.

"Mama," she is now lying on her back and looking up at the ceiling. "Have you ever touched a pig?" she waits for my answer.

I see only the silhouette of her face in the darkness of the room. The light from the bathroom shines through a small crack in the closed door. She wiggles and squirms. She rubs her nose. She waits.

"I have never touched a bar of gold," I say.

"I have never put my foot in the Pacific Ocean."

"I have never shaken the hand of anyone famous."

"And ... I have never ... touched a pig."

She laughs.

"But ..." I interrupt her laughter and place my hand over her hand. "Do you know what I have touched?"

"What?" she gets all excited and sits straight up in the bed. The light from the bathroom shines through and off and all around the baby fine hair on her head. Her teeth shine brightly in the dark room - as I can see her huge smile.

I touch her again.

I smile.

I say ...

"I have definitely ... touched a lot of angels," and I squeeze her tiny hand in mine.

"No you haven't," she laughs.

"But ... I have," I say.

"I'm touching one ... right now."

On the upside ... And then I say, "Now ... take off that halo ... and GO. TO. SLEEP!

More wiggling and angelic giggling in the dark room.