Fashion Models:
Alexis and Billy

I've been a mom for 16 years.

During that time, I have learned a lot of things.

I have experienced a lot of things.

I have forgotten a lot of things.

I have done many things I have to do - and like to do ... like, giving baths, teaching songs and introducing my children to nature and the great outdoors.

Then ... I have done many things I did not really like doing - you know - like, making meals (not a good cook), cleaning up puke and poop and helping with homework.

One of the things I often do that I don't particularly enjoy doing is ...

Taking the kids to the movies - children's movies - UGH!

I KNOW - there are some folks - like my husband - that thoroughly enjoy going to these movies - I AM NOT ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE - NOPE!

But ... I do it - JUST NOT CRAZY ABOUT THIS DUTY!

Recently, I took Alexis and Little Billy to see Kung Fu Panda.

Alexis begged me everyday since school's been out, "Please, please, please .... please take us to the movies," in that whiny voice that only 6 year old girls have perfected - *screech*

I had put her off as long as I could get away with and so I finally gave in and took them on a Wednesday evening.

We went late - to the 9:10 p.m. showing.

Alexis and Little Billy were so excited to see the movie and even more excited - I think - to be going to this "late showing".

Me --- I am dragging my I-hate-going-to-kid's-movies-unhappy butt out of the van and trying my darnedest to maintain a smile and good disposition - for the sake of these giddy children.

Halfway across the parking, I realized, "I forgot my sweater - CRAP," I blurted out.

Alexis --- so worried this meant something dire - something horrible - so afraid this might mean that we would possibly have to turn around and go back home ----- pipes up, puts a great big smile on her face, speaks in her softest, sweetest voice, "I will just sit on you. I can sit on you to make you warm," so hoping that this suggestion will solve this problem.

Now ... this was very sweet of my darling daughter and I did agree that her sitting on me might very well keep me warm, she, however, is not - is not - a tiny girl. While I sometimes - often even - call her, "My Tiny Girl" - she is not - a tiny girl.

She sat on me.

We ate popcorn.

We drank sodas.

We watched the panda movie - me and my two youngest children.

The lights came up, we threw away our trash and strolled out of the theatre.

Me -----

with my purse slung over my shoulder ...

two kids in tow ...

and ...

SINGING ----

LOUDLY -----

EVERYBODY WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING ...
THOSE CATS WERE FAST AS LIGHTNING ...
IN FACT IT WAS A LITTLE BIT FRIGHTENING ...
BUT THEY FOUGHT WITH EXPERT TIMING ...

THERE WERE FUNKY CHINA MEN ...
FROM FUNKY CHINA TOWN ...
THEY WERE CHOPPING THEM UP ...
THEY WERE CHOPPING THEM DOWN ...

Alexis and Little Billy looking up at me in utter amazement.

With a bit of embarrassment.

In complete awe of my singing abilities.

Little Billy puts his hand on my arm and says, "How do you know it? How do you know that song?"

Well ........... you know I had to set the boy straight ...

Had to make sure he was completely aware ...

I could not let it go ...

I said ...

"Grasshopper ..."

"THIS IS NOT YOUR SONG!"

"THIS IS OUR SONG!" I bellowed.

"THIS SONG WAS BIG - HUGE - WHEN I WAS A KID!" I went on - gazing into Little Grasshopper's eyes.

"OF COURSE I KNOW THIS SONG!"

(*cue mom singing again*)

EVERYBODY WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING ...
THOSE CATS WERE .... FAST AS LIGHTNING ...

I threw in a few Kung Fu karate chopping moves ... to prove my point.

Little Billy was not impressed.

Alexis found me quite funny.

On the upside ... Okay --- So, see! I'm not a total scrooge! Maybe - maybe ---- I do like the occasional kid movie ...

Join me back in 1974 with Carl Douglas ... Feel free to sing along ...

My husband's father lives in the town my husband grew up in - south of where we live - about 40 minutes away.

My husband's mother lives in a town near where my husband grew up - south of where we live - about an hour away.

My husband often goes to help his mother - takes her to the grocery store and run errands - she no longer drives.

Hearing that my husband was going to his mothers, I suggested that he take Little Billy with him - drop Little Billy at his father's house, so Little Billy could hang out with his grandfather for the afternoon.

Hearing this suggestion, Alexis piped up and complained that she wanted to go - wanted to go hang out with Grandpa.

"Alexis," my son looks across the aisle in the car at his sister, "You aren't made to handle it - it's hot and we do outdoor stuff - you have to be tough and rough," he looks her seriously in the eyes as he talks. "You have to be a redneck - like us - the On The Upside men," he never twitched an eyebrow.

I looked at my redneck husband.

The husband that is raising this redneck boy.

He smiled a big ol' redneck grin.

I cringed and then couldn't help but smile back.

Little Billy, now gazing out the window, watching the cars pass by, continues, "It's not somethin' yur taught, either," he looks over at his sister and chuckles, "It's somethin' yur born with."

I SWEAR!

On the upside ... I looked over at my redneck husband again and realized - at that very moment - NOPE ---- It is definitely a LITTLE OF BOTH!

I turned around and looked at Alexis and said "It's okay, Sweetie. You don't want to be a redneck - you'd have to wear crumby clothes."

I don't think I convinced her.
She got all teary eyed and sad looking.
I guess she's next.
I guess she'll be getting those redneck lessons from Daddy Redneck real soon, as she doesn't seem to be coming by the redneck gene naturally (she obviously takes more after my side of the family *tee hee*).

One day ... you will be so tall that ... I will have to look up to see your eyes.

One day ... you will be so busy that ... you will have to make time to come and sit next to me.

One day ... you will be everything I imagined and ... so much more.

One day ...

I will remind you ...

How small you once were.

So ... Dad had to go home Sunday evening and left Mom at the lake with the two little ones.

Courtney and Chloe had to be home for a softball game on Monday and on Wednesday and Mom decided to keep the little ones at the lake for the week.

The twins and Dad will return to the lake later on in the week for more Spring Break fun.

In the meantime ... Mom announces, in the car on the way to Wal-Mart for a Sunday evening grocery run, that she thinks it might be fun for her and the little ones to go to a movie - maybe on Monday night.

She suggests that maybe the movie should be Horton Hears a Who.

Little Billy, sitting in the seat directly behind his mother perks up and says, "Really! If we did that - we'd love you forever and ever!" very excited at this proposition.

Alexis squeals with delight, "Yeah - forever and ever," also very excited!

Little Billy then says, "Well ... we love ya a lot already," realizing that what he first said might upset his mother.

The mom smiles.

Then, in a very quiet whisper, the mom hears the boy say to his sister, "Shew ... that was close."

The sister whispers back, "Yeah - that was close."

On the upside ... Sometimes, I am just like a big dumb *Horton* elephant - hearing things I'm not really supposed to be hearing ... but hearing it anyway - you know! Or maybe, I'm really like a little Who Mama - living in Whoville - hearing stuff I'm not supposed to be hearing - but hearing it anyway. I rather like the idea of being a little Who Mama rather than a big dumb elephant - now that I think about it. And ... living in Whoville with all those other crazy Who people - YES - I definitely would rather be thought of as a Who Mama living in Whoville. Never mind the big dumb *Horton* elephant comparison. (I'm over-thinking this - aren't I?)

*Note to self: Horton is not real! Whoville is not real! Give Alexis back her Dr. Seuss books - buy yourself some grown-up books before you permanently start talking in riddles and rhymes*

It was a day not long ago, when I was at the lake with the kids.

The kids and I had had a long day of swimming and playing in the sun - we were tired.

The older girls were in their room watching TV.

Alexis and Little Billy crawled in my king size bed to sleep with me.

It was dark in my room and for a while I was relaxing and unwinding - nearly dozing off - enjoying the quiet in my dark room - except for the swishing rhythm coming from the ceiling fan above our heads.

I guess it was TOO quiet for the 2 youngest On The Upside kids - because ... they suddenly broke the silence with a steady stream of chattering.

I tried to ignore them.

I hoped I'd be able to slip into unconsciousness - anyway - but ... it was NOT POSSIBLE!

I turned towards the wall.

I squished my eyes closed SHUT!

I tried NOT to listen.

They tried their hardest to include me in their conversation - asked questions - offered facts ...

I stayed quiet.

Pretended to be asleep in hopes of encouraging them to settle down - get bored and GO TO SLEEP!

At one point ... the conversation turned to --- yawning.

It was at this point ...

That the night ...

Went ...

Downhill!

Little Billy would y-a-w-n.

Alexis would y--a--w--n.

I would y---a---w---n ... secretly

Then ...

Little Billy would Y-A-W-N ... LOUDLY.

Alexis would Y--A--W--N ... LOUDLY.

I would Y---A---W---N ... secretly.

You know ...

You CAN NOT be around y-a-w-n-i-n-g ... and NOT Y-A-W-N!

Little Billy says - to his sister - to me - to the dark room - "I only ever y-a-w-n if someone in my family y-a-w-n-s ... someone I love, y-a-w-n-s," and he y-a-w-n-s ... AGAIN!

Alexis says, "Yeah ... me too," and she y--a--w--n--s!

Little Billy says - to Alexis - to me - to the dark room - "I hardly EVER y-a-w-n," then he y-a-w-n-s again - LOUDLY!

Alexis says, "Yeah ... me too?" y--a--w--n.

Then ...

Little Billy says to me - ME --- the one who has stayed very quiet through all of this RE-DIC-O-LUS Y---A---W---N---I---N---G jibber-jabber, "Do people y-a-w-n ... in their sleep?"

I do not answer.

I still want him to believe I am asleep.

But ...

I think ... Well - OF COURSE THEY DO! I've been lying here doin' it - FOR 20 MINUTES!

Alexis says, very excited by this question --- "OH ... I DO ... I ALWAYS Y--A--W--N in my sleep!"

Silence in the dark room for a few seconds.

The brother then says, "How would you know? You are A-s-l-e-e-p! How would you know?"

Alexis --- ever the miss-know-it-all-of-all-things --- says ... "I just know," in her uppity-girl-tone. "I do!" she gets louder and more insistent. "Don't I - Mom?"

On the upside ... Sometimes, when my kids get to talking WAY TOO MUCH about something, I will say to them, 'Now ... that's just enough talking about that!' This was one of those times ... where there was WAY TOO MUCH TALKING ABOUT Y---A---W---N---I---N---G! But ... the mom did not answer. She felt it was best to just let the youngest On The Upside kid believe what she wanted about this Y---A---W---N---I---N---G CRAP! She felt it was best to not get anymore involved than necessary ...otherwise ... Y---A---W---N ... she might NEVER get ANY ... Y---A---W---N ... SLEEP!

I really need to cut Alexis' hair.

She wears it pretty long - to the middle of her back.

I like it longer - that way I can always pull it into a pony tail. It makes it easy for school.

But ... because it is longer, it means that it is sometimes ...

Straggly ...

Sometimes ...

Ratty ...

Sometimes ...

A MESS!

The other day, we were headed out the door to go to Wal-Mart.

Alexis was sitting at the bottom of the stairs putting on her shoes.

Little Billy walked by her ...

He looked down ...

He said ...

"Go brush your hair, Alexis, so we can go," his face got all twisted. "It looks like the worst hair I've ever seen in my life," he reached down and touched it. "Go ahead - go look at it," he insisted.

Alexis reached up and tried to smooth down her ... feathers.

She then stood up and walked into the bathroom.

When I walked by ... she was standing - gazing sadly into the mirror.

On the upside ... By the time we left, she looked fine - she had brushed her hair, with my help ... we went to Wal-Mart. Little Billy - on the other hand --- hair was stickin' up, his shirt didn't match his shorts and ... he left his shoes by the front door - back at the house. He obviously needs to stop worrying about everyone else.

Alexis is a bit theatrical.

She's a bit of a DRAMA QUEEN!

I have never seen a child throw so many fits over the most ridiculous of things.

Sometimes ...

The drama is predictable and sometimes ...

It comes out of the blue.

Things could be going along swimmingly and BOOM! - Alexis is in sudden MELTDOWN - Arms waving - spit flying - tears flowing - squeals squeaking out of her mouth!

Sometimes ...

I KNOW the meltdown is coming - you know - I'm actually the one that caused the combustion - like when she's in the middle of watching a favorite show and I tell her it's time for her bath - MELTDOWN!

There are many meltdowns like this - I see them coming.

Then ...

There are those that SURPRISE me.

The ones that come out of left field - where something is said or done that rubs her funny ... MELTDOWN!

I don't LIKE any of the meltdowns - don't enjoy the tantrums or whining or crying or theatrics - but ... I do find that I am amused more by the spontaneous, unpredictable meltdowns - sometimes they are just funny.

Recently ...

We were at the theatre - sitting in our seats - waiting for the movie - me, Alexis, Little Billy and one of Little Billy's friends.

Little Billy wanted to go get some candy.

I gave him money.

He stood up.

Alexis ----- MELTDOWN MODE - right out of left field!

Her face got all twisted - squeals squeaked loudly from her mouth - she slid almost completely to the floor as her body began to wrench and spasm! It was ridiculously LOUD. Ridiculously painful to watch and hear and ... ridiculously ... NOT FUNNY!

Little Billy's friend turned slowly in his seat to face the DRAMA QUEEN - and just stared in disbelief.

Alexis' mother - turned quietly in her seat so as to have a better view of the spectacle unfolding - and just stared in disbelief.

Little Billy ---

Moves quickly across the aisle ---

Stands very close to his CRAZY sister ---

Gazes down at her calmly ---

He says ...

In his most excellent "mom" tone ---

The one he's practiced ---

The one he's mimicked ---

The one he uses behind his mom's back and thinks she doesn't notice ---

He says ...

"Well ...

That's - An - Ugly - Face.

Just tell me ...

Tell me ...

What kind of candy do you want."

On the upside ... I guess she thought she wasn't gettin' any candy - WHO KNOWS!?! But ... Little Billy has her figured out - she sat right up, straightened her CRAZY SELF back in her seat and --- quietly --- PUT IN HER CANDY ORDER! *Smiles*

Me --- I needed something more intoxicating than Strawberry Twizzlers or a box of Milk Duds! Instead ... I got an hour and a half of WALL-E and the DRAMA QUEEN munching on Woppers and snuggling up under my arm because ... she was soooooo COLD!

-

I am getting myself ready to go to my girls' basketball game.

I yell down to the kitchen for Alexis and Little Billy to hurry and eat their soup and sandwiches or we will be late for the game.

Alexis comes running up the stairs and flies into the bathroom, out of breath, stops by my side and squeals ... "I don't want to go (*whine - moan - groan*), "I have to stay here! I have to watch Minute Man," she pleads with her big brown eyes. "It comes on at 8:00 ......... 7:00 Central time."

I laugh, "Seven Central time?" I laugh again. "Well ... we wouldn't want you to miss it then."

She wanders back downstairs.

After I am dressed and ready to go - I go downstairs. I see my son standing near the refrigerator and on the island counter next to him, is a bowl of ice cream. I say, "What's that?"

He looks up proudly and announces, "I call it (*insert imaginary loud trumpet*) - Sugar Rush," - he smiles real big. "It's my Super Deluxe Ice Cream Friday (because it's Fri-day ... not Sun-day - get it)." He has named this bowl of ice cream.

Oh.

On the upside ... Sometimes ... I think my kids have too much time on their hands. And ... I think - after that bowl of ice cream - I am certainly going to owe Aunt V after this babysitting favor. "Tell her I'll be home - at 9:00 - 8:00 Central," I yell out the door. Alexis yells back, "Okay Mom." I am so funny - Bahaha!