Fashion Models:
My Children

Sometimes ...

When I look at you ...

I can not believe you belong to me.

I can not believe you are a reflection of me.

I can not believe I have helped to mold you ...

Helped to guide you ...

Helped to lead you ...

I am amazed.

I know who I am.

I have always known who I am.

I have never wanted you ... to be me.

I am most proud ... my children ...

That I have taught you to ...

Look to me ...

And ...

Look at me ...

And ...

Look around me ...

To find out ...

Who you are.

***********************

*Note: This beautiful Puppeteer charcoal was done by my daughter Courtney. This started out as an entirely white page and where you see black, it is charcoal, and where you see white, it is erased away to create the image.

-

I yelled at my children today.

I yelled to be heard.

I yelled to be heard.

I yelled to be heard.

I do not think they heard my words.

I think my words only hurt.

I yelled at my children today.

A mother ...

Lost her child today.

I am ashamed.

Forgive me ... my sweet children.

God ...

Forgive me ...

My angry words.

-

Hosted by Cecily and Mama Geek

I took my girls to get their hair cut.

We walked into the hair salon and seated ourselves on the couch in the waiting room. I picked up a magazine and began to flip through the pages. Before too long, our hair stylist stepped out from her room and greeted us with a friendly smile. I placed the magazine on my lap.

Time slowed a bit in that strange moment. I glanced at the stylist and then my eyes moved down the sofa at my girls. They sat beside me, in a row - the two oldest of my children and beyond their figures, my baby.

"These are my girls," I gestured towards them, and then strangely ... I heard my own words.

My heart suddenly fluttered. Can you see how proud I am of them? Can you see the love I have for them - floating around them like white silk ribbons brushing their faces, touching their bodies and lacing us all together. Can you feel my happiness? Aren't they beautiful?

I was acutely aware of their faces and their bodies. Of their hair and eyes and hands. I looked at them, in this one strange moment, like I had not seen them before and likely will ever see them again. It was a sliver of time where their presence - next to me - was overwhelming. They were ... my daughters.

When did I become a mother?

Who would think I would make a good mother to these precious girls?

How can I suddenly feel so powerful and important and yet ... in their presence, at the exact same moment, feel very small.

They surround me constantly - my children. They are part of me and with me, and yet ... I seldom stop to comprehend the force they stir in my life. The blissful shift created by their existence. The power of the bond and the pride of the endevor.

I was quickly pulled back into the moment - away from my daydream - my awakening. I do not believe it was evident to anyone other than me - this moment of awareness. These seconds where ... it was clear and palpable that ... they are mine and I am theirs.

-

I don't have an awful lot of photos of my four children together.

I have a few precious professionally done portraits, but not many casual shots where all four are captured in the same picture.

And ... when I manage to persuade the four to pose for me - this is generally what I get ...

It starts off pretty good, but then ...

It begins to go down hill fast and one of the four might decide that they are too tired for pictures.

Or ... someone says something funny - because they are so hysterical - you know.

And they just have to yuck it up for a few frames.

Then ... they might feel the need to pick on each other.
In this case it was Courtney being picked on.

Then ... it's time for the funny faces.

And ... while I might be able to get the younger hoodlums to cooperate and stop all the goofing - I can seldom get the older ones to take me serious.

Then ... the little ones join in - again *sigh*.

And, of course, they might need to take time out to discuss something really important.

And, just about the time I am ready to give up and call it quits ...

I miraculously manage to catch a couple of shots where they are all sitting by each other, acting somewhat normal and smiling pretty and ... well ... it's the best I can do - with these four crazy characters.

It's exhausting - I am telling you!

-

When you were born ... my children

I had no idea what sort of mother I would be.

I knew who I was ...

I knew who your father was ...

I knew what I loved about life.
I knew what I believed in.
I knew where I was going.
I knew where I had been.
I knew what I wanted.

I never knew that all the things I desired for myself would be the same things I would want for you but magnified by a thousand fold.

I never knew if my words were always strong enough ...

I never knew if my words were always kind enough ...

I never knew ... if when I had no words ... if my light would be bright enough to still lead you to where you needed to go.

I never knew all the answers.

I never knew ... so many things.

I know who I am ...

I know who your father is ...

I know who you are ... my children.

You are the best of me ...

You are the best of your father ...

One day ...

When you leave me ...

I hope you look back at all the things I never knew with compassion and forgiveness.

I hope you see the best that is in you ... in me.

I never knew so many things.

I hope you realize that ...

The ties I have to you ...

The bond ...

The connection ...

The love ...

Has been the most powerful and important thing in my life.

But ...

As much effort as has gone into the years of creating and sustaining the bonds between you and I ...

It was never a difficult journey ...

It has been a pleasure ...

A joy.

I hope it was enough.

-

Hosted by Cecily and Mama Geek

Behold ... My Children

I have searched for my light ...

The brightest part of me ...

To share with you.

I have not always been successful.

I have often failed.

I have sometimes ... looked down upon you.

I have often searched for you ...

Only to find you ...

Behind me.

My own light often ...

Blinded me ... from seeing you.

I have learned to push myself aside ...

To ... protect you.

To ... open doors for you.

To encourage the world to look beyond my face ...

And behold ...

The faces of my children.

I have done my best to guide you from the darkness of my shadow.

I have yearned ...

For the light to shine brightly on ...

Your faces.

When you smile ...

My children ...

I am content in knowing that I have not ...

Failed.

I am grateful ...

To witness your Joy ...

Your happiness ...

Your presence.

You are finding your way around me ...

And ...

I will not leave you.

I will be here ...

Behind you ...

Beside you ...

With you ...

Basking in the light of your lives.

Because now ...

You are ...

The light of mine.