Fashion Models:
Surviving My Life

It hasn't happened in a long while.

I don't know why, exactly ... but, I have had a reprieve.

I have enjoyed its absence.

I have appreciated the break.

But ...

It did not last.

It was too good to be true.

It was bound to happen again ... eventually.

I was at church recently, sitting with an old friend.

My mother was there.

My friend's sister was there.

My friend's sister's ... beautiful, youthful, twenty-something, daughter - the one with the porcelain complexion, silky, long dark brown hair, pearly white smile, slender, beautiful body, giggly stories - Yes ... she was there, as well.

I sat in a pew next to my dear friend.

My friend's sister and the goddess-like daughter were in the pew right behind us.

My mother sat in the pew behind them.

There was no one else in the chapel and we had gathered to talk.

My friend's niece began to tell a darling story about her little son.

We listened.

We giggled.

We laughed.

"How old is he now?" I asked - remembering this boy when he was only a baby. Remembering the niece when she was just a baby. Realizing at that moment ... that she was STILL ONLY A MERE BABY!

"Oh ..." she smiled so big, "He's 7 years old," she gushed with pride.

"I can't believe that!" I exclaimed - this comment we all say when we hear about a child we haven't seen for long while.

"Yes," she explained, "He's seven now."

I hesitated.

I hem-hawed.

I debated with myself for a moment.

Then, I said ...

"My Alexis is six," the words came out of my mouth at the same time my brain said, 'Keep quiet. Keep it to yourself - you fool - you are OLD - she is a child - she is a goddess-child with a 7 year old son. She will never understand. It will likely blow her mind. She's liable to faint or have spasms or ... GAG'!

But ... I said it.

I did.

And ...

I sat there and waited.

We all waited.

She got this strangled look on her face and then she muttered, "Wwwhat?" with a startled hesitation in her voice.

Had she heard it right?

Could it be possible?

Surly not!

"Yes ... I have Alexis - who is 6. I mention it because your story ..." I keep talking, but I see that she is clearly in shock, "Was so cute and I know how they are - 6 year olds - so cute," I ramble.

Then ...

Once she heard me ...

Really HEARD me ...

This goddess-child ---- the one with the shiny hair, porcelain complexion, pearly white smile, slender, youthful body ---- the one with a child one year older than mine ---- (ME ---- the elderly, aging friend of her Aunt M ---- the one not quite yet in need of a walker or a hearing aid, but ancient, nonetheless) ... she ... opens her eyes real big and ...

She GASPS!

Like people do when they hear or see something ... shocking!

Like people do when they hear or see something ... hideous!

Like people do when they are a struck by ... fear!

That sort of GASP!

The sort of GASP ---- where the person just instinctively SUCKS in a bunch of air - no words - only that G-A-S-P sound.

You know.

YEP!

It. Was. Hysterical!

And ...

It didn't hurt my feelings.

It didn't even surprise me.

It ... made me ...

THROW MY HEAD BACK AND LET OUT A LAUGH SO SPONTANEOUS AND INFECTIOUS - We all began to cackle right there in the chapel in the very front pews.

She, of course, began to try to back-pedal herself out of this moment, but it was too late.

I said, "I know ---- it's just not right," and we laughed some more.

On the upside ... Just about the time I am perfectly happy, strolling along, living in my I'm-too-old-to-haven't-had-any-"Are-you-the-grandma?"-comments-in-a-long-while-so-I-must-be-looking-younger DELUSIONAL world ... A perfectly darling, young goddess-child-with-a-7 year old ... comes along ... and pushes me right back down in my rickety rocking chair and hands me a cup of tea and and afghan to throw across my feeble legs.

There are 6 people in my family.

That means that there are 6 pairs of feet.

That means that there are lots and lots of shoes.
You have seen my shoes:

(I know - I will NEVER wear all of these shoes)

And ... this is where I keep my shoes - in my closet!

The rest of the characters living in my house, however ...

Leave their work boots in the living room ...

Their softball cleats by the garage door ...

Their basketball shoes in the family room ...

Their favorite Vans near the couch ...

Their darling little black and white flats by the front door ...

And ... their stinky Converses on the kitchen table.

On the upside ... I guess I'm lucky to have all these shoes around my house ... because that means I got all these people living here with me and that's a good thing. Every time I see a pair of shoes lying around, I yell for the person that owns them to put them away - I do. But ... when I stop and think about it ... I do not look forward to the day that all these shoes are gone. I do not look forward to living in this house ... without all these characters and their shoes!

Came out of the nail place, bright pink nails shimmering gloriously in the sunshine :)

Guy (scraggly beard, baggy jeans, young, but weather-beaten looking fella) strolls up to me from out of nowhere.

I immediately clasp my car key between my fingers - I will stab him if necessary (ack!)

"Hey doll," he says (tee hee...), "where you goin' so fast?"

Me: *grumpy face - walking briskly in my high heels - *clickety clack, clickety clack*

"Come on, girl. Give me your number." (he grew irritated fast - was probably the CRACK)

Me: SURE thang ... just let me DIG a pen out of my purse!!

I am ... a freaking magnet for the ri-dic-o-lous!!!

-

I have a lot of things constantly going on in my life.

I can't even begin to list all the things I have to do.

No one does the things that are my job - but me.

I'm the one that does everything!

Little Billy came to me recently and asked, "Can I spend the night with cousin - his mom says it's okay - can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, huh ... can I?"

"Sure - if it's okay with Aunt V," I said.

I went back to doing the millions of chores on my list for the evening.

I cleaned up the kitchen.

I washed dishes.

I emptied the trash and took it outside.

I hung a load of laundry and started a new load in the washer.

I swept the kitchen floor.

I went outside and watered the plants.

I paid some bills.

I ran Alexis a bath.

I yelled, "Little Billy - come get ready for bed."

No answer.

"Little Billy - come on - it's time to get ready for bed."

No answer.

I yelled louder.

I walked through the house.

I SCREAMED ...

"LITTLE BILLY - WHERE ARE YOU? IT IS TIME TO GET IN THE SHOWER AND GET READY FOR BED."

I ended up in the kitchen - where there sat my husband in the nearby living room.

He looked in my direction.

He stared a minute.

He said ... quietly ...

"He's not here."

He looked at me for some sign ...

A sign of awareness ...

A sign of recollection ...

A sign of intelligence ...

NOTHING!

He said again ... quietly ...

"He's not here," in a different tone that implied ---- is there something the matter with your brain?

Okay!

I walked away!

As I slithered up the stairs, I SCREAMED ... quietly ...

"I can't remember everything!"

On the upside ... I eventually remembered WHERE he was - that is a good sign - RIGHT?

Oh ... I hear what people are saying (*tee hee*).

And, what I don't hear ... I can only imagine.

How could she possibly have the time to do all the things she is supposed to be doing and also ... BLOG as much as she does?

I've heard the talk.

Do you see this table:

I made this table.

Not anytime recently, but I did make it.

I made it about 2 years ago when we finished the renovation of our kitchen.

I used to make a lot of furniture.

I would design it and build it (circular saws, sanders, cordless screw drivers, screws, sandpaper, paint ...) - I did it all myself.

I designed and built A LOT of furniture.

It was a hobby.

It was how I decorated a lot of our house.

I used to sell some of it - for a while - in an antique mall.

I did it for about 3 years.

I didn't really have time to make this furniture, but I enjoyed doing it - so I made the time.

I had 4 kids, a house, a yard, a business, many animals and a husband to take care of ... and, I still made this furniture.

It's what I do.

I find stuff to do.

I have to fill every single second of my life.

I don't know why.

I don't make furniture much anymore.

Now ... I BLOG!

Blogging is my creative outlet - just like making the furniture was. If I wasn't blogging all the time - I would find something just as time-consuming and rewarding and creative to fill my time - I would!

(I'm going to do a post soon, and show you some of the furniture I designed and made, as I have had a few people ask.)

By the way ... Yesterday - I mowed the grass (the whole acre), cleaned the pool, took my daughter to the orthodontist, visited a friend in the hospital, went to the grocery store, made a bunch of phone calls, got my nails done and took care of 6 kids. I also did a bunch of laundry and a bit of house cleaning. Oh, yes - and I took Alexis and Little Billy to the movies.

I also BLOGGED.

I just felt the need to make it clear that I do love to BLOG and I do contribute a lot of time to it, but ... I take the rest of my life very seriously and continue to care for my children and husband and take care of all the rest of the stuff in my life - as well.

I just try to find the time to do it ALL- because - it is ALL important to me.

I had a meeting at the school.

It was a ceremony where I was going to be on stage to present awards.

I had taken my time to pick out a nice skirt and sweater and even chose the perfect pair of high heels - for the occasion.

I fixed my hair and makeup, put on my jewelry and touch of perfume and went downstairs to leave.

As I was about to walk out of the front door, my little son, sitting at the dining room table doing his homework, looks me up and down and says, "Hey, Mom. You look small."

I looked at my husband - standing next to me by the front door and we laughed. I said, "Small's good," and we laughed again.

I left my house believing and feeling that this was a compliment - while offered by a 10 year old boy that generally has no clue what he is talking about - about anything - I was feeling SMALL and that made me quite happy.

So ... the night progressed, the ceremony commences, I presented the awards - speeches were made - pictures were taken ... and we went home.

As we entered my house, I turned to my mother - who was also at the awards ceremony - and asked, "How did I do? Did I do okay? Did I look okay up there?"

Now ... keep in mind. My mother is always complimenting me on this thing or that and always generous with her compliments. She is, however, often ... just as generous with her ... MEAN OBSERVATIONS! Also ... keep in mind that she has been dieting for the past several months on Jenny Craig and has shrunk quite a bit - thinks she's SOMTHIN' ELSE!! She says, "You did good. But ... you looked sorta fat."

(*Awkward pause*)

(*blink-blink*)

"FAT!" I screamed. How could I look SMALL to the 10 year old boy just hours before and FAT to my shrinking-Jenny-Craig-dieting-mother NOW? I said it again, "FAT?"

"Well, maybe it was that you were wearing a shorter skirt than you usually would wear," she begins to try to SAVE HERSELF!

"I didn't look fat?" it was more a question than a statement.

"You looked fine," she said, and then she opened the door - and went home. Leaving me and my FAT self standing there in the foyer by the front door.

I raced around the house looking for my husband. He had the camera. "Did you take any pictures of me tonight," I was frantic. He indicated that he had and so I took the camera from his grasp and RACED LIKE A MAD WOMEN UP TO MY BEDROOM TO VIEW THE PICTURES. SEE IF ... IT WAS TRUE!!! SEE IF IT WAS TRULY POSSIBLE THAT I HAD JUST STOOD UP ON THE STAGE OF MY GIRLS' HIGH SCHOOL IN FRONT OF ALL THOSE PEOPLE - A BIG FAT BLOB!!

I sat at my desk, flipped on the power button to the camera and sat there scrolling through the pictures of the night until ... I came to those of me.

On the upside ... It's true - I looked fat! There's no upside here - nope - none at all.

(*Note to self: NEVER EVER, EVER take the word of a 10 year old boy! The word small to a 10 year old boy, when describing how you look, is most likely not a good thing. Next time ... ask the boy, "Small? Small compared to what -----A HIPPOPOTAMUS?")

(*Additional note to self: Avoid wearing short skirts - not that the skirt had a thing to do with your FATNESS - but avoid them nonetheless!)

I recently returned from a fabulous vacation with my husband.

I had a wonderful time.

I spent a lot of my time doing this:

Since I have been home ...

I have cleaned house ...

I have made meals ...

I have helped kids with homework ...

I went back to eating bowls of boring cereal for breakfast -
Sandwiches for lunch -
And Hamburger Helper for dinner -

It's difficult to get back into the rituals of my everyday life.

It's hard to leave ...

Paradise

behind.

Oh, but ...

Wait a minute ...

That's right ...

I live in ...

Paradise!

I think it is so pretty.

So inviting.

So tropical feeling.

This is my backyard in the spring.

All I need ...

is an umbrella drink ...

or two!

On the upside ... Some days .... all it takes is opening the back door and stepping outside, to put me in a great mood. Sometimes ... I don't even have to go outside. Sometimes ... all I have to do ... is stand and gaze out the window.

(Thanks to dlyn for tagging me for the front door/back door meme. This has been a look out of my back door.)

I am not getting any younger.

When I squat down to pick up something off the floor ... sometimes, I can't hardly stand back up.

When I wake in the morning ... I often have aches and pains in my back and legs.

When I read a book - I have to search out a pair of reading glasses and prop them at the end of my nose to see the writing.

Uh - No!

Every so often ... someone will make the mistake of believing that I am the grandmother to my youngest child (*hangs head and mutters a four letter word after slurping a spoonful of cream-of-wheat into her mouth*).

Every so often ... I will look in the mirror and squeeze my eyes tight together - squint and imagine I can honestly see the girl I used to be ... in the reflection. Then - when I open my eyes right again - there sits someone that looks a lot like my mother.

Alexis asked me not long ago, "Why is bird poop white?"

Why don't I know this answer?

How can I be as old as I am and not know this answer?

I'm not only old - but stupid about birds!

Then, she asked me, "Who invented goggles?"

Again - I. Don't. Know!

Should I know this answer?

I don't think so!

Then ... to make matters worse, she asks, when walking in on me in the bathroom, with hair color in my hair, "What color is it going to be this time?"

On the upside ... I'm definitely getting old. I'm definitely tired and achy. I absolutely never learned all there is to know about birds or inventors of swimwear, but ... I have perfected the art of coloring my own hair, in the bathroom, with a 6 year-old hanging around - and, let's just say ... these days - I am aiming at matching the color of my eyebrows - the only thing on my face remotely resembling anything from my youth.

So ...

I am out shopping.

I am rummaging through the racks admiring all the pretty clothes.

I hear a voice ...

She is whining ...

She is whining ...

She is really whining ...

I look over inconspicuously, because she is already making enough of a scene without me adding to the chaos with any sudden movements of my own.

She is saying ..

"I just love this outfit.

It's just perfect.

It's just darling.

It's just adorable.

It's just exactly what I've been looking for.

I just have to have it.

But ... I can't find my size.

You don't have my size!

How could you not have my size?

All you have is a size 6 and a size 8 and a size 8 and a size 10 and ... you don't have a size 4 anywhere!

I need ... a size 4.

Is that a size 4 on the mannequin?

OMG - that's a size 4!!!!!

I have to have it.

That's just my size.

A size 4!

I FOUND IT LOUISE - THEY HAD A SIZE 4 ON THE MANNEQUIN!!!"

And ...
Just nearby ... there is a fat woman that is not a size 4 just minding her own business.

There she was just watching this episode unfold with her mouth nearly hitting the floor and the look on her face was saying ... "Just. Shut. Up! We don't care that you're a freakin' size 4! We don't care if you've always been a size 4! We don't care if you just lost 500 lbs. and are NOW a size 4! We fat people don't care! Shut the hell up!"

Suddenly, the fat woman reached down, removed her shoe, and flung it across the store and hit the obnoxious size 4 right in the head!

And then ...
I walked over ...

And waddled away.

On the upside ... Okay ... so I exaggerate just a tad, but this was pretty darn close to what I heard. If this was you I saw doing this crap - KNOCK IT OFF! Yes - I'm a little jealous that you're a freakin' size 4 - but, worse than that - you look like an idiot announcing it to the whole world of women. We don't need to hear the words come out of your mouth - we can see that you are a SIZE 4 - we know a SIZE 4 when we see it! When you say it - for all the world to hear - we just HATE YOU MORE!

That is all.

-

I rummaged through many drawers.

I pilfered through each and every shelf of the pantry.

I searched for that doggone bucket of Halloween candy I hid somewhere in the kitchen, to no avail.

I dug deep down in the bottom of my purse.

*frustrated sigh*

Panting ...

Out of breath and out of patience ...

Freaking DESPERATE ...

I walked into the kitchen ...

I stood in front of the refrigerator ...

I grabbed the bottle of Hershey's syrup ...

I tilted that beautiful brown bottle into my mouth ...

And I inhaled about 1/3 of a cup.

And ...

I was not the least bit ashamed until ...

My little daughter walked around the corner and caught me.

-

I went to bed last night at 2:30 a.m. When I crawled next to my husband, he stirred, looked at me and then at the clock and just rolled his eyes. I said, "I know - I'm driving you crazy."

This has been my life for the past couple of months. Aside from all of my regular daily duties (raising 4 kids, keeping house, running a small business, yard work, etc.) I spend nearly every other spare minute writing my novel. I am completely obsessed and totally enjoying every single moment of it. If you'd like to find out how it's going - make sure you stop by my other site On The Flipside and read my recent update.

I have about a trillion things on my to-do list and I try to make time in every day to check a few of those chores off, but right now I am very determined to dedicate every spare moment to writing. I've been raising my kids for seventeen years and I still have ten more years to go before they are all out of the house - I need something FOR ME!

Oh, yes. And ... I'm still writing for mySA and have two new posts up over there - One Foot In The Grave and I Can See You, if you'd like to go over and read these stories (two of my all-time favorites) about my funny kids, Billy and Alexis.

Have a great week!

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