Son is 12 years old - soon to be 13.
Has a girlfriend - who happens to look just like him - a lot like me when I was a kid (really weird).
He's on the phone with her non-stop (from the few conversations I could force myself to eavesdrop on - endure - they were mostly speaking in tongues - talking gibberish - much to my relief).
I see my husband in front of the TV. "Where's the boy?" I ask.
"On the phone with the girl," he offers with a bit of a proud smirk on his face.
I step right in front of him. "You've had the talk with him, right?" Hands on my hips as I glare down at my cowboy husband, who, by the way, is far too proud of his boy and his new relationship - proud in the way redneck fathers are proud - you know ???
His eyes flutter up to me - confused.
"The. Talk!" I huff.
He sort of rolls his shoulders and gives me that look that is meant to imply he will obey - only he might not, actually. He might just have let my (demand) request seep right in one ear and out the other - hope for the best - you know - with the boy - with me.
"I did bring up the girl today," my husband offers proudly, like the mere fact they discussed her would impress on his offspring to never ... actually TOUCH her!
"Yeah? And ...?" I ask, hands still firmly on my hips.
Husband pulls me closer. Says, "He saw right through me. Created a diversion. Asked me, 'And what about all those animal noises I hear comin' from your room at night?'" Husband pulls back, eyes wide, sparkling, humored.
My mouth drops. I say, "You don't ... you don't think he actually hears anything, do you?" Surely he was just trying to distract you - making up stuff."
Husband shrugs and peeks around me to see the TV.
I begin to walk away and then look back over my shoulder. I say, "Talk. To. Him! And, next time, don't let him get you side-tracked. And, for cripes sake, don't explain the animal noises."
Husband laughs.
On the upside ... Okay ... so I guess I'm going to have to sit the boy down and seriously talk to him - again. God only knows what sort of noises the boy thinks he's actually heard ... and how anxious my redneck husband might be to pass along a few pointers. Ugh! You might be a redneck if ... you pat yourself on the back when your son points out he's heard animal noises coming from your bedroom.
*Disclaimer: There has never been actual animal noises emitted from our bedroom. My husband might be a bit of redneck, but ... I am not. I would not be at all enthused to hear a sheep bawling ... or a cow mooing, if you know what I mean. Now ... jungle noises. Or firehouse noises. Or rodeo noises. Okay ... enough of that.
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