I can't even begin to count the number of times, over the years, that I have lied.
Now, don't get me wrong, I do not approve of lying and I do not consider myself to be a liar ... but, I have told my share of lies.
I tell white lies to avoid hurting people's feelings.
I tell tiny lies that might, on occasion, exaggerate the details of a story, so as to make it a bit more interesting.
I lie on occasion to get out of doing things I don't want to do - like when I don't want to go to a particular party or attend a school function or meeting - I might say I have other plans or I am sick *cough cough*.
I've also told lies to my children.
Yes - I have.
I've told them that the Tooth Fairy comes at night and gives them money for their lost teeth.
I've told them that the Easter Bunny hops into our house on Easter morning - magically - and leaves large baskets of candy and eggs.
I've told them that dead armadillo tails are really the lost horns of unicorns.
And ... of course, I've told my children that a jolly fat elf named Santa Claus, will deliver toys and goodies on Christmas morning, if ... they are nice and not naughty children.
Now ...
I know that I am not alone in the telling of these fairy tale lies and I also know that I was lied to when I was a child about the very same tales (okay - maybe not the unicorn one - that one I lied about all on my own).
I also know ... that my husband grew up with these childhood lies - as well.
My husband is not - a liar.
He has never been one comfortable with telling any sort of lie and this is a good thing. I have to help him lie sometimes - tell the lie for him in those cases where he will just not be able to pull off the task himself.
But ... lying about Santa Claus is not something that very many parents - people - have any difficulty doing.
People - BILLIONS - have been telling this lie for HUNDREDS of years.
We - those people capable of telling this lie - those people that get the goodness of this lie - those people that care about keeping the magic that this lie provides GOING - do not have a problem telling this lie to our own children and even to other people's children. We tell it to EVERYONE and GLADLY.
But ...
Not my husband.
We are 16 years of telling this one lie - year after year - to our 4 children - and yet ...
At least 5 times during every Christmas season, I find myself running frantically into rooms to quickly cover something I over-hear my husband say to one of the children that, if divulged and understood by the child, would - give away - this wonderful Santa tradition in the On The Upside household.
At least 5 times during every Christmas season, I find myself running frantically towards a car trunk or garage door or a closet --- to quickly hide or disguise a present that my husband has mindlessly left un-disguised or un-hidden from gift-receiving-children in the On The Upside household.
I don't get it. I think it must be a man thing.
He will go out, buy something large that I have sent him out to buy (like a set of drums for his boy child that was on the boy's Christmas list to Santa), bring it home, carry the thing to the front door and stand right there and ask me - in front of the children - "Where should I put this?"
I swear!
On the upside ... It's good not to lie. It's good that my husband finds it difficult to lie. But ... he needs to start understanding this ... Christmas-is-an-ongoing-lie philosophy or ... I am going to beat him over the head with a unicorn horn until he is out cold ... put him under a pillow and leave a note for the Tooth Fairy to PICK HIM UP!!
Dear Tooth Fairy:
I know - he's not a tooth.
I know - he's really way too large to fit into your tooth bag or throw over your shoulder and carry out of my house.
But ... he's free - you can have him!
He makes a good helper for about 6 years and then it goes down hill after that. Take him and just pawn him off on someone else when the six years is up -- maybe the Easter Bunny or maybe Mother Nature could use him. Don't try to give him to Santa, though - he's a terrible elf.
Oh, and ... keep the unicorn horn - it might come in handy. I use it to wap him over the head.
And, while you're here ... please leave $10.00 for those last 10 teeth of Alexis' that you ... forgot to come by and get.
Thanks ever so much.
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