Sometimes ... I will grab my purse, lock the front door, buckle myself into my car, drive out onto the highway and my mind will begin to race.
Did I remember my purse?
Did I remember to call the vet?
Did I remember to put the bills in the mailbox?
Don't forget to pick up milk and sugar.
Where is my wedding ring - where did I leave it?
These shoes are killing my feet.
I really should have worn a coat.
And then, my heart will suddenly sink and I will turn quickly in my seat to look into the back of the car.
WHERE IS ALEXIS?
WHERE IS SHE?
WHERE IS SHE?
My mind will race and race and race ...
and then ...
I will remember ...
She had never been with me.
She wasn't even home, but ...
At school.
I can breathe again ...
Sometimes ... I will be driving along just admiring the scenery.
I will hum along with the song on the radio.
I will see the kid's faces in the rear view mirror and I will smile.
Then ...
I will suddenly approach a bridge.
A bridge crossing over a river.
My heart will sink.
My mind will begin to race ...
Now ... if this bridge falls ...
Get yourself unbuckled - FAST!
Scream orders to the kids!
Get unbuckled!
GET UNBUCKLED!
GET UNBUCKLED!
Wait for the water to fill the car!
Hold your breath!
Don't be scared!
Don't PANIC!
Get to a window or door!
HELP EACH OTHER!
HELP EACH OTHER!
SWIM!
Once I reach the other side of the bridge and ...
It did not fall ...
I can breathe again ...
Every single time a car engine is started out in my driveway ... I run out the front door.
I scan the area for dogs.
I scan the area for bikes and balls and skates.
I run out and ...
I SCREAM -
GET OUT OF THE WAY!
GET OUT OF THE WAY!
GET THAT CHILD OUT OF THE WAY!
Once the car pulls out of the driveway and I see that all dogs and bikes and balls and CHILDREN are SAFE ...
I can breathe again ...
Sometimes ... when I am in a restaurant and enjoying a meal with my family or friends and I hear ...
Way off across the room ...
Tables and tables and tables ...
Away from me ...
The sound ...
Of gagging ...
Of gasping for air ...
Gurgling ...
Of CHOCKING ...
OF A CHOCKING CHILD ...
My eyes begin to twitch ...
My ears perk up ...
My heart races ...
I think ...
HELP HIM!
HELP HIM!
CLEAR HIS THROAT!
HIT HIM ON THE BACK!
DO THE ... HEIMLICH MANEUVER!
DO YOU NEED MY HELP?!?!?
Once the child is calm and the choking noises cease ...
I can breathe again ...
Sometimes ...
Little Billy will say ..."Don't you remember how to do fractions, Mom? Don't you remember?"
Or ...
Alexis will say ... "What year was I born, Mom? Don't you remember? How come you can't remember?"
Well ...
On the upside ... SORRY ... I HAD TO PUSH ALL THAT INFORMATION OUT OF MY TINY BRAIN ...so there would be someone in our house storing all that other important information, like ... escape plans and ... Heimlich maneuvers and ... reminding myself to continue to ... B.R.E.A.T.H.E!